Well, I hate to be whining again, but I really need to get some shit off my chest.
I want to see my dad before he dies, but I’m not sure that’s going to happen. Cash flow isn’t that great, and car repairs are needed for me to keep my job. Tickets to MT aint cheap. I’m hoping our stimulus check comes in earlier than expected, and I can use a portion of that to get home.
I really don’t want to hear how sorry everyone is. Getting the whole “I’m sorry that you’re going to lose your dad.” etc… just seems to make me really f’n angry. Maybe not rational to feel that way, but lately my anger issues seem to be building up more than I can deal with them. Like a white hot poker in my gut that makes me scream and yell like a complete asshat. Fortunately, it’s mostly at frustrating inanimate objects rather than people, but that makes me look like more of an asshat. I think that it’s simply that I have too much stress and so little time to just relax and enjoy myself. I’m just too drained to deal…
As I mentioned before, my car is in need of repair. The right CV joint is charbroiled. Some idiot replaced a part right next to it, but obviously didn’t fix the CV problems. The grease from the CV boot ‘sploded everywhere, BUT… there’s a brand new bolt that was never splattered by grease….meaning someone had the tire off, did a repair, but didn’t replace the 15 dollar boot, thus costing me 200 bucks. Thanks.. Thanks a lot… Fortunately though, it is only 200 bucks. I was going to have a friend do the work, but found out that Ben White Auto will do it for 195 dollars, and likely get it done faster. So, I’m going to go with that. Need the car for work.
My anger right now is my worst enemy. I keep getting angry about stupid shit, and that anger ends up being felt by Coleen and Jacob. I hate that. Neither of them should be getting hurt feelings because of my own lack of maturity on an issue. They’re very forgiving, and I love them for it, but they shouldn’t have to be in a situation to forgive. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hitting anyone or anything. I’m just overreacting to situations. Like, when Jacob doesn’t get a chore done, I’ll raise my voice when it really isn’t necessary. Or I’ll be all pissy with Coleen when she hasn’t done anything wrong at all. It’s not them that I’m angry with. It’s myself. Or the situation I’m in. So, I’m going to really focus on the anger issues, and trying to get it back under control.
I need to remember to step away when I’m not as in control as I’d like, or at the least, to verbalize my poor mood, and let Coleen bolster me like she always does when I let her know.